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An Irate Citizen
Speaks Out
by D. J. Herda
Someone I know sent me one of those funny e-mails
the other day, the kind that you're not supposed to forward to anybody
else, especially if you're at work when you receive it, but you can't help
doing so anyway? It is supposedly a very real letter from a very
real man to his
very real local passport office. It went something like this:
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows
that I bought a cable TV from them back in 1987, and yet, the Federal
Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ's sake, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you
have on my social security card, and it is on all of the income tax forms
I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card,
my driver's license, on the last eight damned passports I've had, on all
those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being
allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and on all those
insufferable census forms that are done at election time.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name
is Maryanne, that my father's name is Robert, and that I'd be absolutely
astounded if that happened to change between now and when I
die!!!!!!
I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me,
I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my
house, then you ask me for my f----in' address.
What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal assholes working
there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't
want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shitsakes. I just want to go and
park my ass on a sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me why you should give a shit whether I plan
on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do
something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell
not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city
and get another f----in' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to
assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo,
that'd be too damned easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us
running all over the f---in' place like chickens with our heads cut off,
then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture
- you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile (bureaucratic f---in'
morons)!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're
totally pissed off!
Signed
An Irate Citizen
P.S.. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since
1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and
have had security clearances up the yin-yang. However, I have to get
someone "important" to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor
WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !
Now, I've been to my own passport office on numerous
occasions. I have had to renew my passport a couple thousand times
since I applied for my very first one in 47 BC. (I'm not as young as
I look.) And, I have to admit, I never felt the way this American
citizen felt after his having done so.
I felt worse.
It's true: Big Gov sucks big time. Governments
of the people, by the people, and for the people have gotten completely
out of hand. Take back the night, I say. Throw off your yoke.
Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead! Whatever all of that means.
And so far as the irate citizen speaking out against
his poor, overworked, underpaid passport agency employees? Well,
just one thing:
I couldn't have said it better myself.
And I…am D. J. Herda.
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D. J. Herda is President of the American Society of
Authors and Writers (http://amsaw.org),
an organization made up of authors, writers, editors, publishers, agents,
directors, producers, and other media professionals who rely upon the printed
word in the creation of quality literature and entertainment. He is
a member of the Author's Guild, a former member of the American Society of
Journalists and Authors, and a former member of the National Press Club.
He has published more than 80 books and several hundred thousand articles,
short stories, columns, interviews, plays, and scripts.
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