Go to church less often. Instead of
attending mass each week, for example, build up a month's worth of
prayers and go every 30 days. God won't mind, and think of the
money you'll save on gas, alone.
Cut down on eating out. Not only will you be able to pocket the
savings, but also you'll cut down on the likelihood of contracting
salmonella from Bozo, your waiter.
Forego those costly weekly piano lessons. In their place, take
up the kazoo. Even a complete idiot can play the kazoo.
Stop going to the theater to see all those new movie releases.
Sit home and watch them on cable TV when they're released 24 hours
later. If you must go to the theater, don't be a chump and buy
that expensive movie-house popcorn. Instead, bring an empty bag
from home and spend a few minutes gathering up the half-eaten bags from
beneath the chairs. You'll be filling your wallet while you're
filling your face.
If your car calls for premium unleaded fuel, fool it by stopping next
to the premium pump but actually fueling up from the regular pump right
next door.
Stop wasting time and money mowing your lawn with that inefficient
power mower. Instead, let the grass grow into a "wildlife
conservancy area." Apply for matching federal funds at the first
sign of migrating mallards.
Clip sale coupons. You won't remember to bring them with you to
the store, of course, but at least you'll keep too busy to think about
just what dire financial shape you're really in.
Cut back on visits to the doctor. He's only there to make money.
If the day ever comes when you really need medical assistance, do what I
do. Visit Web MD. It's free, and by following the simple advice
you find there, you'll stand a better than 30-percent survival rate.
Cut down on clothing costs for the kids by spacing out their births.
One a year is practically ideal. And if for some reason you happen
to miss a year, don't fret. You can always adopt. After all,
if they'll give a kid to Madonna
Save big-time on office supplies by getting multiple use from your
purchases. Typing paper, for example, comes in two basic styles:
Front and back. Why use only one? By writing a novel on one
side of the pages and a film script on the other, you can virtually
slice your paper expenditures in half. When the novel fails to
sell, simply turn the manuscript over and start sending producers the
screenplay.
Stop wasting perfectly good food. Instead of throwing out that
piece of moldy bread, scrape the mold off and eat the bread. Add
the mold to your afternoon tea to help reduce the likelihood of
contracting malaria. More medical savings!
If you must make a major purchase--to replace a defunct washing
machine or a worn-out refrigerator, for example--remember to dicker with
the salesperson. If he gives you a bottom line of $400, ask if
he'll take $300 and one of the kids. I mean, just for a year or
two. Don't worry. You'll get him back. Most likely the
very day he turns 14.
Forget about that "scheduled car maintenance" plan the dealer requires
of you in order to maintain your car's new-vehicle warranty.
That's only a gimmick the manufacturers use to wring more money out of
the suckers. With only a Phillip's screwdriver and a pair of needle-nose
pliers, you can do your own oil and air filter changes, remove and
re-gap your spark plugs, and set the engine's timing. And if you
ever do find that you need to replace a worn-out part, don't run down to
the local automotive center. They'll gouge you. Instead, locate
the part yourself at your local junk yard. Just make sure to wear
an old pair of jeans, and bring a flashlight. It gets pretty
spooky after dark.
