A Hurricane

Named "BP"

 by D. J. Herda

The Obama administration's response to the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has been absolutely Katrinaesque, complete with all the appropriate hand-wringing, finger-pointing, and failed promises.  Now, it turns out, the lies are also beginning to mound up in defense of the inevitable charges, counter-charges, and cover-ups.

There was no explosion, and then there was.  It was only a minor incident, and then it was a major catastrophe.  The resulting leak had been contained to only 1,000 barrels a day, and then the number leaped to 5,000, 10,000, 15,000, 25,000, 42,000, and now 60,000 barrels a day. 

With so much confusion surrounding the Obama Administration's own Hurricane BPatrina, I decided to go straight to the horse's mouth for some answers.  I sought out the only person who knows the truth and asked him to share it with me.

D. J.:  Mr. President, critics have said that you vastly underestimated the BP disaster and cleanup attempts, choosing instead to go on vacation, and that your recent television talk was long on promises but short on action.  How do you respond? 

Obama:  Look, as I've said from the very…from before this thing even…right at the start of this disaster, I have been on top of it since Day One.  In fact, I was out on the beaches of Louisiana on the third day, standing out there in the rain and cold, gathering the facts firsthand.  So for those who say anything else, they just don't know what they're talking about.

D. J.:  But, Mr. President, the explosion on the Deepwater Horizons rig occurred on April 20, and you didn't make your first trip to the Gulf until May 2, nearly two weeks later.

Obama:  Three days, two weeks.  What's in semantics?  They're responsible, these BP people, that Hayward guy and all the rest, for cleaning it up.  I mean, what am I supposed to do, suck the oil up with a straw?  They're the experts.  They have to take the lead in, umm, in both capping the leak and in cleaning up, what do you call it, the oil spill.  It doesn't matter where I happen to be on any particular day just so long as everyone knows that the president is on top of things.

D. J.:  Can you explain why, the day after the disaster, when Holland volunteered to send a fleet of skimmer ships to the Gulf, the White House turned them down?

Obama:  Oh, come on, now.  Like the greatest nation on earth should allow a bunch of Dutchies into our Gulf?  This is an oil spill, not a dike! 

D. J.:  Well, another criticism of your administration is your lack of openness to new technologies that could stave off disaster.  We have access to EPA-approved oil-eating bacteria, but no authorization to use them.  We have propylene sheets that attract oil like a magnet.  We have filters to separate sea water from oil; excelsior-type products that soak up oil like a sponge; and dozens of other new technologies that the officials of the Gulf states are begging the federal government to use, yet nothing has been done.

Obama:  Well, L. B. J., that's not true.  It's unfair to say that nothing has been done.  My administration has been reviewing all of the options available to us, and we plan on doing the right thing at the right time.  That's what effective government is all about. 

D. J.:  Well, your critics say the right time was two months ago.  No one in the White House even alluded to the disaster until nearly three weeks afterwards, and you have yet to meet with officials of BP, claiming that they would only give you the runaround.  Can you explain you inaction?

Obama:  J. F. K., the truth is that I met with…I have been trying to…my administration and I, we have been working very closely with the Coast Guard and the executives at BP and with everyone involved in this disaster, which I might say is of tragic proportions.  And to say that nothing has been...

D. J.:  I was merely trying to set the record…

Obama:  Look, B. G., I was on this thing from Day One, as I have stated openly and often.  This is the government's role in, you know…that is the federal government's role, in America.  In the United States.  And I take my responsibilities seriously.  There can be no doubt about that.  My action on this thing from the very start has been swift and unwavering.  But let me make one thing perfectly clear.  While my White House staff and I are working diligently around the clock to select the very best methods of containment and control, I want it perfectly understood that I want to point the finger at the people responsible for this horrendous national disaster, and I want to kick some ass!

D. J.:  And what, Mr. President, will happen if BP fails to get the job done?  What if this leak drags on into fall or, worse, into winter?

Obama:  Well, that...that's just not going to happen.  That's not going to, you know, drag on like that. 

D. J.:  And why is that, Mr. President? 

Obama:  Well, for one thing, the November elections.  I won't stand for it.  Pelosi would eat me for lunch!

D. J.:  But what if you have no choice?

Obama:  Look, L. C., you are talking to a man--the first black man, although race or ethnicity has nothing to do with it, and I will not tolerate those who attempt to bring the subject of race into this discussion--the first black man who rose from the ranks of the Chicago political arena to become a state senator and then President of these great United States of America--all 54 of them.  If I say that this whole oil thing will be buttoned up, problem solved, before the November elections, then this oil thing will be buttoned up before the November elections.  End of story.

D. J.:  But, in all candor, BP hasn't found the solution yet.  Isn't it time for stronger governmental action?  I mean, instead of the White House threatening BP's shareholders--many of whom are retirees on a pension--isn't it time for the troops to turn out and the scientists to convene and and experts to go to work? 

Obama:  Yes, but as I say, I will not permit BP or anyone to fail in this, Q. R., in so critical a situation as we're faced with today.  BP, that Hayward guy and all the rest of them, they have assured me that they are on this thing like a bug on a rug, and they'll have everything under control by the end of June.  And they're going to pay for the entire mess.  I have made that perfectly clear from the start.  No one is apportioning blame in this unfortunate incident, even though the blame lies with them, and by God they're going to make good on the mess they've made of this whole political...uhh, I mean environmental tragedy.  And they're going to apologize to the American people.  And pay all those fishermen who are out of jobs.  And clean up all those pelicans.

D. J.:  Do you realize that a week before this accident, your own administration gave BP a clean bill of health and authorized them to continue drilling in the Gulf, even though their contingency plan is a boilerplate lifted from the state of Alaska, in which BP addresses issues such as as how to save the Alaskan sea otters, caribou, and walruses?

Obama:  And I am…as I say, and as I have said before…I am going to look into that situation, Q. W., and I'm going to find out who's to blame for the failure of this government--and I believe it was under the Bush administration that BP was allowed to begin drilling in the Gulf in the first place, even though the facts may not back me up.  And I am going to hold BP accountable for plugging the leak and cleaning up the oil.  End of story.

D. J.:  And if they don't, Mr. President, what will the White House do then?

Obama:  If they don't, C. B., I'm just gonna kick some ass!

And I…am D. J. Herda.

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D. J. Herda is President of the American Society of Authors and Writers (http://amsaw.org), an organization made up of authors, writers, editors, publishers, agents, directors, producers, and other media professionals who rely upon the printed word in the creation of quality literature and entertainment.  He is a member of the Author's Guild, a former member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors, and a former member of the National Press Club.  He has published more than 80 books and several hundred thousand articles, short stories, columns, interviews, plays, and scripts.
 

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