Dream Jobs

by D. J. Herda

In this era of the Perpetually Tight Economy, I thought it appropriate that I reconsider whatever it is that I do for a living (if you can call it that) and see whether or not I might change venues, invest in my future, make a little more money, and have a good time.  So, I've spent the past month researching various jobs and thought I'd share my findings with you in case you'd like to help me make up my mind as to the best possible fit for me.

Astronaut.  I'm not kidding.  I like looking up into the sky as much as the next fellow, and I understand the pay is pretty good.  On the flip side, the drawback is that you have to know how to speak Russian, since the Ruskies are the only ones who can still afford to shoot people off into space.

Housekeeper.  I know all about the stereotypes involved here, but it's nonetheless a pretty good deal.  You don't have to work very hard--certainly no harder than you work keeping your own place clean--and the money is good, especially for illegal aliens who have forged their driver's license and social security card.  The drawback is that you have to know how to speak Spanish, because you'll have to have entered the states illegally through Arizona.

Doctor.  This one would make mom particularly proud, and it's a damned good position.  All you have to do all day long is talk to a few dozen sick folks, listen to their hearts (assuming they're not politicians), and prescribe some antibiotics.  The downside is that superbugs are making antibiotics impotent, so doctors could well be out of work within the next ten years.  But you can make a ton of money writing bogus prescriptions in ten years.

Congressional Representative.  This one would make good old dad proud, not because he likes politicos, but because he knows they make loads of money--some of it even legitimately.  Of course, the drawback with this one is that you have to be a complete idiot, wear your hair in a style vaguely resembling a wet mop, live in California, and call yourself Madam Speaker.  Still…

President.  Now this one really appeals to me.  I like taking three or four vacations a month, in between jetting around the world on Air Force One.  And the pay is fantastic.  Not as good as it is for being a city manager or a police chief of a small town in northern California, but good nonetheless.  Of course, the bad part about being president is that you have to kiss the buttercup butt of someone who's a complete idiot, wears her hair in a style vaguely resembling a wet mop, lives in California, and calls herself Madam Speaker.

College Professor.  This one appeals to me a lot because I smoke a pipe and already own a corduroy sports jacket with patches on the elbows.  It's also pretty neat because you have tenure, which means you can make a complete idiot out of yourself on the Bill O'Reilly Show Wednesday night,  and they have to let you back in school Thursday morning.  I think the salary is pretty good, too, considering you only work about three minutes a day.  Of course, the flip side is that you have to be dull as Melba toast and hang around with other college professors, who are even duller than you are.  But one day, if you live long enough and appear on the Bill O'Reilly Show often enough, you'll become a black radical with tenure and a chip on your shoulder.

Publisher.  This position appeals to me most because I like New York--not a lot, but enough so that I could endure the job knowing that, since publishers are at the top of the food chain, I could take all the trips I wanted to the Florida Keys to escape those nasty N. Y. winters.  The drawback is that I'd have to hang out with a bunch of writers like me, and to be honest with you, I'm not sure I'm up to it.  Still, if the money is right... 

And I…am D. J. Herda.

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D. J. Herda is President of the American Society of Authors and Writers (http://amsaw.org), an organization made up of authors, writers, editors, publishers, agents, directors, producers, and other media professionals who rely upon the printed word in the creation of quality literature and entertainment.  He is a member of the Author's Guild, a former member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors, and a former member of the National Press Club.  He has published more than 80 books and several hundred thousand articles, short stories, columns, interviews, plays, and scripts.
 

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