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If Truth Be Told
by D. J. Herda
I came across an interesting article
by Caroline Gammell the other day. It talked about how men lie about
the things they have read in order to impress their dates. It went
on to say that men are twice as likely as women to lie about what reading
materials they have devoured to try to impress someone on a first date and
that exaggerating the extent of a man's literary prowess is second only to
false boasts about his previous conquests in bed.
The article based its conclusions on a poll that showed that 39 percent of
all Brits--that's right, it was taken across the pond in Great
Britain--are less than honest about what they have read and more likely to
lie about their reading habits than they are about their age or job.
Now, I'm going to be honest with you. I really am. I was
absolutely convinced that the article was a fake until I read the part
about the study being done overseas. I mean, the Brits?
Absolutely. I have traveled extensively throughout England, and I
can absolutely see British men taking great boastful pride in extolling
their literary virtues to members of the fairer sex. After all,
Brits. Great Britain. The British Empire. You know,
Shakespeare, Yeats, and Rowling?
I had my doubts, however, that a similar study conducted here in the good
ol' U. S. of A. would generate similar results. I had doubts, but I
wasn't sure, so I approached my good friend U. R. Whadyread and asked him
to replicate the poll right here in America. He did.
And what did he discover?
Whadyread: I am discovered by a very interesting fact. According to
my research, more than 78 percent of all American men lie regularly about
what they have read in order to impress their potential conquests, some of
whom are actually women.
D. J.: Wow, 78 percent! That's astounding!
Whadyread: Ya, it is. At first I am thinking my research is skewed,
you know? Like when you ignore a bunch of hanging chads or neglect
to count 300 votes that the local voter election judge forgot to bring in
from the trunk of her car.
D. J.: And was it actually something so simple as that?
Whadyread: No! My research turn out to be absolutely hundred-percent
accurate, you know? I prove this by going back to all men I poll and
asking them specifically revealed questions, such as "What have you not
yet read but have told a date or potential mate that you have read?"
D. J.: And you got some interesting responses?
Whadyread: Absolutely, yes. One man reply that he tell his date that
he read the King James Bible from cover-to-cover while he was missionary
surfing in Hawaii.
D. J.: Cover to cover, wow.
Whachureed: Ya, and not only that. But four times!
D. J.: And his date believed him?
Whadyread: Uhh, well, no, not exactly. She asked him what he thought
of Deuteronomy, and he reply that he knows it beats one-of-a-kind.
D. J.: Which goes to show that crime doesn't pay!
Whadyread: Huh?
D. J.: Never mind. What other things did your poll discover that men
are lying about having read?
Whadyread: Well, sixteen percent say they read Shakespeare's works, three
percent say they read his work records, and one guy say he would
have read his work records except that Shakespeare had quit the week
before guy begins working there.
D. J.: Amazing.
Whadyread: Ya, and another 45 percent say they recently finished reading
the back of the Viagra label. One guy actually said to having read
the label and was now frantically searching for information on how to
reverse the process.
D. J.: Wow. And he actually told that to his date?
Whachureed: Told to date? Oh, yes. They get marry each other
next day!
D. J.: Oh, wow.
Whadyread: Ya, wow, but that's not half of it. Of all things men
quote as having read when they did not, more than 72 percent name
Bridges of Madison County.
D. J.: Oh, my God. And their dates actually believed them?
Whadyread: Well, all except one. In a follow-up interview, he tell
me: "Oh, honey, I didn't buy into that line for a minute. I could
tell he was just trying to get into my BVDs."
I thanked the good doctor and headed back to my study to think about
everything I had learned. All in all, I found the study quite
revealing. Of the top five reads used by the Brits to impress a
date, here's the breakdown:
Top Reading Material Women Use To Impress Men
1) Current-affairs Websites
2) Shakespeare
3) Song lyrics
4) Cookbooks
5) Poetry
6) Nelson Mandela autobiography, Long Walk to Freedom
Top Reading Material Men Use to
Impress Women
1) Nelson Mandela autobiography,
Long Walk to Freedom
2) Shakespeare
3) Cookbooks
4) Poetry
5) Song lyrics
6) Current-affairs Websites
Is it just me, or is there a
definite, albeit definitely less than distinctive, pattern emerging here?
And whatever happened to classic literature such as Black Beauty,
Moby Dick, and Mad Magazine? And, while we're asking
questions here, why are men and women who are so obviously different in so
many different ways so obviously single-minded when it comes to telling
others what they have been reading?
For the answers to those and other questions, we may simply have to wait
for next month's commentary, when we delve into that most pressing of all
rhetorical questions: "Whatever did happen to Baby Jane?"
And I…am D. J. Herda.
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D. J. Herda is President of the American Society of
Authors and Writers (http://amsaw.org),
an organization made up of authors, writers, editors, publishers, agents,
directors, producers, and other media professionals who rely upon the printed
word in the creation of quality literature and entertainment. He is
a member of the Author's Guild, a former member of the American Society of
Journalists and Authors, and a former member of the National Press Club.
He has published more than 80 books and several hundred thousand articles,
short stories, columns, interviews, plays, and scripts.
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