by Garrett Hargrove

Chapter One:

Well, you’ve done it. You’ve graduated high school and somehow managed to get into college. You’ve packed up your room from Anywhere USA to move to your new home. You’ve opted to live in the on-campus dormitories (like your parents gave you a choice.) Yes, the dorms, the place where 80 guys in flip-flops fight over three showers at 8 in the morning.

When you arrive at the dorms, do not be surprised if they are smaller than you closet at home. You will soon be burdened with choosing a major, maintaining a GPA, dealing with professors that are something other than human (no human can know or care that much about physics) and trying to decide which bar to convene at on the weekends. All of this new information will cause you great mental anxiety. Since you’ve probably racked your brain long enough for the past 13 years trying to get here, I’m going to relieve some pressure for you.

The single most important aspect of your college years (decades?) will be your dorm room. You will eat, drink, sleep, drink, watch TV, drink, maybe study and most importantly, drink in this glorified closet and if you keep it unfurnished, you could suffer a mental breakdown. The ability to decorate your isolation booth is as important and difficult as anything you will do in college. It could make or break you socially. It could also have no relevance upon your social status. I would prepare for the worst and expect your social life to hinge upon your ability to decorate your room.

Most of you have been under the supervision of a parent or two who have done all of your thinking for you for the past 18 years. Therefore, most of you have never had to think about decorating. Like my parents, yours will probably dump you in your dorm and hop back in the car to go home without shutting off the car engine.

Now here you are stuck in an empty dorm with someone just as clueless as you, staring around the empty pasty walls wondering how you will survive. Don’t worry because I have published a solution. Here is the one and only complete source for decorating tips for the male dorm room. Your roommate should agree with the options in this book, otherwise he is useless to you as a roommate. These instructions are not to be taken lightly, or you run the risk of having your room being classified as “feminine.” These rules are also applicable to the college bachelor pad. Granted, the words Bachelor Pad have not gone together since Wang Chung was popular so please forgive me for a lack of better words.

There are a few preliminary steps to ensure your decoration process goes smoothly. First of all order as many pizzas as you can, for the boxes will come in handy later in the decoration process. (If you are still at home for the summer when you begin your box collection and your mother questions your new hobby, just tell her that the boxes are for your clubhouse. She will be overwhelmed with confusion and forget about the boxes then. )

Second, pool your money with your roommate. Third, send your money to me because you won’t need it for these decorating tips. I know rich uncle Bob sent you $500 and told you not to spend it all in one place, but he really doesn’t care where the money goes. He did his job and gave you a present. The ball is not in his court anymore.

Don’t worry about traditional decorating needs like room dimensions or any of that other stuff your mother used when redecorating your home. It will not help. If you do use the measurements, it will cost money to have whatever you order custom-fitted and you won’t have that money because it is in an envelope on it’s way to my dorm. By avoiding money you will also train yourself for the next four (five, six, seven, etc , etc) years you will endure at college without money. Wal-mart will become your store of preference no matter how much it repulsed you in high school. Well, now I’ve become sidetracked, so let me get back on base. We will begin with the color scheme and work from there.

Chapter Two:
Color Schemes in Your Dorm Room

You should have no color schemes in your dorm room.

Chapter Three:
Your Dorm Room Walls

The first thing that people normally see when they enter a room is the walls. The walls are a reflection of you and your personality more so than any other aspect of your domicile. It is vital to the success of your dorm that your walls be properly adorned. When I say adorned, I’m not talking about paint or anything like that. I am talking about things that may be displayed using thumbtacks. This is a fairly simple chapter. There are two primary categories for wall decorations in the male dormitory. One is Pop Culture. Pop culture is short for popular culture. Popular culture is a collection of the current fads and trends that are glorified by the modern youth. Unfortunately, some Pop Culture sucks because a good portion of Pop Culture is determined by 12 year old girls, hence the popularity of Boy Bands. Do not buy just any piece of Pop Culture; you must be selective and picky about this category. We will determine how to be picky in a second. The other category is Stolen Merchandise. Be warned some items may fall into pop culture and stolen items. There is a gray area. We’ll start with pop culture. Some basic ideas are listed previously in the table of contents.

The only prerequisite for a male dormitory is a large poster of John Belushi from Animal House in his ‘COLLEGE’ sweatshirt. There are several variations to this poster including the ‘standing with mouth open in black and white poster.’ It captures the true college mentality of “What the hell is going on?” This mentality is most prevalent amongst engineering students. This is the most common of all Belushi posters. It is guaranteed by the manufacturer to induce an, ‘I love that picture’ reaction, or your money back. I am almost certain about that last part, though a refund has never been given because it has never failed.

Another variation of the Belushi poster is one where an entire bottle of Jack Daniels is being consumed. Though it is less popular, it is still a prime choice. In the movie Animal House, John Belushi actually consumed an entire bottle of Jack in that scene outside of the fraternity house. This seems to be a movie trick, but in reality, John Belushi actually consumed an entire bottle of Jack in one big sip. Incredible. This should become a college goal of yours. If you decide to go without the John Belushi poster, please grab your receipt for this book, take it back and get your money back because I don’t want you to read it. Now since I have only college guys as my audience I will precede with additional pop culture wall coverings.

Most every person on Earth has a favorite band that their friends associate with them. This is simply an extension of your personality, which you should proudly display on your walls. There are some bands to avoid at all costs. If any of these suggestions (really not so much suggestions but rather etched in stone rules) irk you or cause you to disagree with this writing, see the golden rule*. This should not be said, but I must cover all bases.
1. Do not even think about placing boy band paraphernalia in your dorm. This includes posters, CDs, books, magazines or even a TV that has shown a boy band on MTV. You are probably not in the right frame of mind if you wish to break any of these rules and should consult a physician or psychologist. I don’t give a damn how many records they have sold or how many 12-year-old girls idolize them.

2. Any one hit wonder should be avoided, unless their one hit is on the charts now. Once their fifteen minutes of fame are up, discard the poster and replace with the new current fad. If your favorite all-time band is a one-hit-wonder, please get out more often. I apologize to all of the die hard Warrant fans.

3. Age of the musician should be a factor for consideration. Posters of any female older than 35 (or however old Shania Twain is at this point in time) should be avoided. Shania is the oldest female singer that you should have on your walls. It is appropriate to have posters of Shania on every wall in your domicile because…damn, she’s hot. If there is a poster of a female artist over the age of Shania, then take it down and give it back to your mother.

4. Do not have a poster of any male solo artist under the age of 35 on your walls. Groups are ok. If the person is deceased, that too is ok! But if it is a poster of a solo male artist under the age of Lenny Kravitz, take it down and give it back to your little sister.

Granted there are exceptions to these rules. The exception to the Shania rule is… if you are weird, then it is fine to have some old lady on your wall. The exception to the Lenny Kravitz rule is…if the singer is extremely butt ugly, then it is ok. If you have any pretty boy poster on your wall, you could be viewed as someone who plays for the wrong team. Another exception to the Kravitz rule is…if the singer is deceased, then it is okay to pay homage to the departed ones.

Vintage rock posters of the dearly departed such as Hendrix, the Doors and the Beatles are ones to prominently display. These classic artists shaped our modern society and we owe so much to them. Without them, who knows what kind of crap would be on our radios.

Since the dawn of civilization, there has always been a shocking or revolting cartoon that young adults have related to. Ren & Stimpy, Beavis & Butthead, South Park, The Simpsons, Spongebob Square Pants, Greg the Bunny and Mr. Bill are just a few examples from varying generations.

These cartoons are prominent ways to let the world know of your reluctance to grow up and show that you still have a streak of defiance in you. There are also some old cartoons that defined our young existence that you should not deny in your dorm room. Some of these are Scooby Doo, Taz and Marvin the Martian. Any paraphernalia of these shows that can be hung or nailed to your walls will enhance them. Cartoons are usually very colorful and create wonderful contrast to the black and white John Belushi poster. If any of the posters would offend your parents, then those items are must-buys. You must be careful to buy the paraphernalia of either the current fad or a really old fad. If you buy something from a recently passed fad, then you will look clueless…and by clueless, I mean stupid. There is certain nostalgia to really old fads that will add warmth to your place.

Another type of acceptable and encouraged posters is an Inspirational/Bad Ass poster. Inspirational slash Bad Ass? How does that work? Well these posters most of the time feature incredible acts by individuals most of the time in the field of professional sports. For example, Muhammad Ali standing over Liston staring down at him is a Bad Ass picture. A poster such as this becomes an Inspirational poster when a Lombardi quote is attached to it. These posters inspire you to push yourself to the limit and achieve to the fullest. I, personally, always push my work until the night before the due date before I achieve my goal. These are posters that you should be able to stare at for hours and still be amazed by them. And no, that poster of the little kitten hanging onto the branch by a claw with the caption “Oh Shit!” does not count.

I shouldn’t have to tell you about this next one, but it is my job to ensure that everything is perfect in your room. Some consider this next item the most defining characteristic to the modern male dormitory next to the Belushi poster. You may have to exert a little money on this one so I will return $5 of the money you sent me. You will have in at least one room of your place a bikini girl calendar.

This should be self-explanatory. You should own about five or six from high school, but they are more than likely out-dated. This calendar will not be used for tracking the days. I had a bikini girl calendar up for 3 years before I even knew it was a calendar. My eyes never ventured below the picture to the little boxes that tracked the days. But if you do chose to track the days with this calendar, so be it.

Simply nail the calendar up to your wall now. Whether you change the pictures in accordance with the current moth is up to you and extremely optional. Multiple Girl themes (the Girls of...) or single model exposes are both acceptable. There is one key advantage to the multi-girl calendars, being that most of the girls are relatively unknown. This significantly increases the odds of your convincing your friends that you dated one of them in High School.

A variation to the bikini girl calendar is the bikini girl poster(s). These have their benefits. The pictures do not come in handy twelve packs like they do in calendars, but they are much larger and therefore, more visible. These two options can be effective alone or together. Together is the optimal solution. If you choose to go bikini-girl-less, please grab your receipt for this book, take it back and get your money back because I don’t want you to read it. Basically the same rule as the Belushi poster. I will call this the golden rule. Anytime I reference the *golden rule*, it means to please grab your receipt for this book, take it back and get your money back because I don’t want you to read it. After a few semesters of being ridiculed (let’s call it maturing as to not be too harsh), perhaps you can return to purchase this book and try again. For those of you still with us, we are pleased to have you. Now can we move on?

These next items may have to be obtained after your parents have left town so put the book down or flip to another chapter until they are gone. I will mark your place for you.

* * *

Are they gone? Good. You will more than likely have to steal the next items from a store or restaurant. That is the part that your mother wouldn’t approve of. You must have some sort of wall covering depicting alcoholic beverages. Beer is the standard preference of most, but tequila is close behind. Since sometimes these are not easy to come by, you may need some help. Follow these simple directions.

First go to dinner at a trendy restaurant with a large bag of some sorts. Second, be seated near a wall. Next, once you have sat down, yell ‘rat’. While everyone is looking to the ground, grab the trendy alcohol ad from behind you and place it in your bag. Use wire cutters to detach any electrical cord that might power the sign. If no one looks down and they just stare at you like you escaped from some hospital, point at your friend accusingly. I’m sorry I forgot the first step: invite a friend with a good sense of humor.

Flags are high quality wall coverings. They are invaluable for two main reasons. The first being that they are usually extremely large and can cover almost any imperfections that you may have inflicted upon your walls. The second reason to own and display a flag is to show your unbridled patriotism for your country, state or school. Wherever you live, you have something to be proud of. If you hang an American flag on your wall, you can be proud to be in the land of the free and the home of the brave. If you have a Texas flag on your wall, you can take pride in the size and power of your state. If you hang a Wyoming flag, take pride in being one of only thirty people to occupy that state. If you hang an Idaho state flag on your wall, you can take pride in…uhm…potatoes? I’m sure there is something unique about Idaho to have pride in.

The crème de la crème of wall coverings, though, is neon-signs. The premium neons are alcohol neons, but any will enhance your surroundings. Since these tend to be rather expensive, I will not dwell on them too much, especially since I already told you how to “borrow” from a restaurant.

Alright, we’ve come to another category of stolen goods called ‘things from around town’. Any identifiable object from town is perfect decoration for a college dorm, because at parties at your place, people will ask, “Wow! How’d you get that? ”. It is a great, break-the-ice kind of thing.

A classic example from my college town is a pair of street signs. They city has probably replaced these crossroads sign a million times. The street signs are the intersection of 69th and Banger. Pronounced like ‘Bang Her’. You can see why they are of interest.

Anything you can steal will better your dormitory. This includes stop signs, do not enter signs, or deer crossing signs. A great wall covering for your bathroom is a “Private Property - No Dumping” sign. We will discuss bathroom decorations more later. "Slippery when Wet" and "Dangerous Curves Ahead" are two prized classics. The Dangerous Curves sign makes an especially unique gift for that special girl you have had your eye on. While she will probably never hang it in her dorm, she will be most flattered by the insinuation. Bonus points are awarded if you can steal anything from a drive through at a restaurant.

Illegally Gathered Paraphernalia from Excursions of Great Lengths, a.k.a. stuff you stole on road trips, should be included in every dorm room. Every place is unique and has a story to tell about it. Most of the time you will forget those stories, but their memories can easily be retrieved with a piece of history stolen from the road. Anything that you can take from the road will be a welcome addition to your dorm. Even if it is just a rock lying on the side of the road, it will entice people who visit your domicile to ask what the hell a rock is doing on your floor. Then you can share your amusing anecdote from the road.

There are a few pieces of road-phenalia to steer clear of. Some such items are:

1. The 50th piece of road kill you and your friends counted. It may be entertaining at the time, but 5 minutes after ‘Flatsy’ the squirrel has lived in your dorm, you will return him to the open road.

2. The really small dog that you found in Mexico and named Jose. I don’t know the validity of this legend, but I have heard of large Mexican Rats that people have mistaken for dogs and kept for a while. WARNING: Females will not find this animal cute, fun or amusing in any way shape or form. Dispose of any rat-dogs that you currently own.

3. The worm from the bottom of the bottle. After a few days, it just looks like a wrinkled toothpick. If you need a trophy from your tequila triumph, then save the bottle.

4. Anything criminally indicting. Courts can issue search warrants and look through your road-phenalia. Then you might be sharing a new dorm room with a large man named Bubba behind bars.

5. Any consumable that you bought on a street corner in Mexico. It may not be what you think it is. It may not be a consumable product. It may be toxic. It may give you diarrhea.

The final item just may not be possible for everyone. I understand that some people are forced to go to a school that they do not treasure or like in any way. In Fact, there are just some schools out there that are totally unlikable, so don't feel too bad if you cannot complete this last wall-decorating tip. I am sure Daddy is proud you are attending his Alma matter. Just think what you can save on that class ring and never have to put one of those alumni bumper stickers on your car. In time, you can forget you ever went to Dork U.

For those of you who actually found a positive reason of your own to pick your school, you will need to display some school spirit item. Many times, this falls under stolen borrowed goods. Many at my school have stolen school flags that are raised at many businesses around town. If you have already taken your share from the community, you can purchase any item at your local campus bookstore. Yes the campus bookstore, where you can learn the economics of 300% annual depreciation. Or as it is more commonly called, “Getting Shafted on Book Returns: 101”. You will learn about that at the end of the semester.

Note: Request that the complete registered manuscript of Whiskey Bottles be mailed or e-mailed to you by contacting the author's representative at The Swetky Agency, fayeswetky@amsaw.org.

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