Sorry, I Thought I Loved You:

Help and Healing for Co-Dependency, Relationship Addiction, and Related Conditions

by Rev. Michielle DJ Beck with
Marcus A. Lindemann, MSW, CH

Length:
120,000

Genre:
Self-help Memoir Spirituality Psychology Autobiography Women's Issues/Studies

Sentence:
Through the coupling of professional advice with a sufferer's personal tale of codependence and relationship addiction, this work provides true help and healing, as well as compassionate understanding and a 'you're not alone' point of reference for all who struggle with these conditions.

Blurb:
As a codependent relationship addict, the author struggled through her childhood and early adult life. After a first marriage at seventeen and a fifth divorce at thirty-four she had truly reached rock bottom. Finally putting a name on her condition brought her the courage to find the right way to regain her life and the desire to help others who were suffering the same or a similar fate. With this work she brings her raw, emotional tale to the reader and pairs it with information from a professional in the field to show how anyone struggling as she has struggled can recover, reclaim life, and move forward in health, happiness, peace, and immeasurable joy.

Synopsis:
What makes someone codependent or a relationship addict, or both, can vary based on numerous factors, but what remains the same is that these people often feel depressed, anxious, and very much alone. With this book, the author puts a name and a face to the issues of codependency and relationship addiction, and shows the reader that he or she is not alone in the struggle. There are others, and they all need help and healing to not only understand their condition but to come to terms with how to improve their lives. The realism of a first-hand account of these painful and often-misunderstood problems, along with professional advice on how to move forward and be whole again, will offer help and healing to countless people who are experiencing some form of codependency and relationship addiction, and to the people who share their lives.

Now a recovering codependent relationship addict, an ordained Reverend, and an appreciator of all life has to offer, the author shares her story from her earliest memories to the present day, matching each chapter with advice from her own perspective and the insight of a professional. Her goal in doing so is to bring knowledge, healing, and support to others who suffer with relationship addiction, codependency, and related conditions.

Opening:

Introduction: What I Know Now

I don't lie when people ask me my marital status. I'm brave enough to say I'm divorced. After all, it's much more common today, and I'm no longer a social pariah. Really, though, my response is just a partial truth. I don't generally talk about how many times I've been married, or offer that information unless I have no choice in the matter, or I find an important reason to do so - like the creation of this book. When I'd been divorced only a couple of times it was still somewhat funny, and I found it easy to make jokes with other people who also got married too young and realized that they'd made a mistake - and there seemed to be a lot of us. But after five failed marriages by the age of thirty-four, joking about my latest divorce lost its amusement value very quickly.

 

And that doesn't even consider the countless relationships that didn't go as far as the altar - everything from broken engagements to a couple of one-night stands - I guess those are called 'hook-ups' now; I must confess I'm a bit out of the loop where the latest lingo is concerned. I'm not proud of the 'romantic' side of the social life I led for over twenty years, but there it is. Ignoring it won't make it go away. If I can't be honest with you, here and now, I guess I can't be honest with anyone.  

 

All through my life, in the back of my mind, I've wondered what was wrong with me. I've struggled with depression and anxiety, and generally felt worthless and ashamed. It started early, and it only got worse as I got older. Finally, after many long and confusing years, I basically stumbled onto a path of research and self-discovery, and today I can finally put a name to a problem that has tormented me since my earliest memories: I am a relationship addict. I didn't even know what that was, when I came across the term - I was researching something else; finding out information on support groups for a friend of mine who is a sex addict. Somehow, though, I felt compelled to find out more when I saw the link about relationships, so I started reading what little has been written about it. Have you ever had one of those moments where you see, hear, or read something, and all of a sudden you think "Holy cow! That's ME!"? Reading about relationship addiction gave me that feeling. I remember thinking exactly that phrase. Well, maybe not exactly that phrase, but something pretty close to it, anyway.

 

Since that day, I have read virtually everything I've been able to find about relationship addiction in its many forms, and I'll get to an explanation of those forms just a bit later. Unfortunately, I haven't seen anything that talks about what it's really like, all the way through, from a first-person account and from the heart. Chronicling something like this isn't easy, though, because there's a deep sense of shame that often comes along with it, and you usually try to put it in the past and forget about it. Those who are addicted to drugs or alcohol, they are pretty well understood today, and their addictions are seen as being valid and real by most of society, but being 'addicted to love'? Well, that's just a Robert Palmer song, isn't it?

 

Despite the lack of understanding that many people have about relationship addiction, it is real. There are a lot of people who have problems with it, but I suspect that many of them do not understand exactly what is wrong with them. They only know that they are unhappy, and they think a relationship of some type will make them happy again. When it doesn't, they are lost. They think: "Well, I guess I just need a different relationship. That must be what's wrong!" So they leave their relationship, and they go and find another one, only to repeat the same pattern - a pattern which I finally succeeded in breaking, but only after many years, much effort, and a totally unexpected and unsolicited epiphany, which I promise I'll share with you in a later chapter.

 

Where I am now is somewhere that I'm very proud of, even if I'm not particularly proud of how I got here. I want to tell you how I got here, and I intend to. It's an interesting and rather convoluted tale - funny in spots, sad in others. Tragic now, because I can look back over my shoulder at it and realize how much I wish I would have known then what I know now. But we all wish that sometimes, don't we? When I think back on it, it's only then that I realize how much I actually went through, how many sacrifices I made, and how much of my life has been lived for other people and their dreams and ideals, instead of for myself. Where I am now isn't that place anymore. Sometimes I fret and get depressed about all the time I 'wasted,' but if I wouldn't have gone through all of that, I wouldn't be where I am now, I wouldn't be able to help myself, and I wouldn't be able to help others. Not such a waste, really, when you look at it that way.

 

My journey actually began in childhood, although I didn't realize that until I was much older. It started, as most tales do, with parents. I thought my parents were amazing people. I still find them amazing in many ways, but my thoughts are now tempered with caveats that have come about from time, spiritual growth, and a deeper understanding of both of them...and of myself. I see people now for who they really are, as much as any of us are able to. It is one of the areas of growth that has been the most painful for me, though. I placed my parents on a pedestal when I was very young, like a lot of kids do...but I just never took them down as I got older, and finally taking them down has been difficult, but ultimately very rewarding. It has only been recently that I've been able to work through this, and I went through a lot of bad memories and failed relationships before I got to where I am now. But I got there, and so can anyone else who struggles with relationship addiction. It's not an easy journey, but it's definitely not an impossible one - and it's very worthwhile.

 

Understanding is the key...and knowing that you are not alone is also incredibly beneficial. I thought I was all alone in this for so long...thought that it was just my problem, and that I was truly a flawed individual. The understanding that it wasn't my fault, and the comfort that came with knowing that there are others out there 'like me,' is the reason that I decided to tell my story - to show those who are dealing with this issue that there is help, that there is hope, and that they are not all alone in what they face. I am no longer ashamed of my past. I don't offer the details to everyone I meet, but that comes from a realization that many people don't understand that relationship addiction is real, not from shame over who I am, what I've done, or where I've been. I have found, though, that a large majority of the general public doesn't believe in relationship addiction, and that includes some people who are relationship addicts and just don't realize it.

 

Instead, these addicts feel that they are just 'bad people' who have made 'stupid choices,' and that they cannot be redeemed. That is far from the truth of the matter, but I know why they feel that way. I was there myself, not very long ago.

Bio: Rev. Beck has worked as a freelance writer and editor since 1994 and writes primarily for private clients. She has worked for three newspapers and has provided tutoring, editing, and guidance for academic and technical papers. Most of her work is currently Internet-based, where she specializes in SEO, content articles, ghostwriting, blogging, and e-books.

Since 2000, she has also served on the Editorial Board of Your Information Center, an Internet company providing e-books on various topics for individuals all over the world. Her personal "storm story" about Hurricane Ivan appears on About.com, and her articles can be found on many Internet sites. Her professional qualifications include an AA in Business Management, a BA in Legal Administration, and a Reiki Master certification. She can be reached on the Web at http://www.michiellebeck.com
 

Platform: As a recovering codependent relationship addict, a woman on a path of recovery and spiritual growth, and a professional writer since 1994, Rev. Beck is uniquely qualified to author this book.  Her experiences with codependency and relationship addiction, while painful in many ways, can be used to help others. In addition, this book offers professional, expert insight from a Master of Social Work and Certified Hypnotherapist to give readers a better understanding of what they can do to take control of their own lives.  Marcus Lindemann is uniquely positioned to promote this book through his own professional contacts and organizational relationships.

Beck has also secured the services of a PR firm for marketing the book, has reserved the Web address for a site devoted to the work, and has a strong and well-established online presence. She is a life member of two large organizations through which her book will be marketed, and is an alumnus of a college and a university where her work will also be celebrated. In addition, she brings to the table an affiliation with two of the largest and most significant addiction groups in the world and a large state University where what she has written to provide hope to those in need can and will be shared.